Every now and then, someone says something so eloquently that needs to be reposted. This is the case with Joe Holman's article this week in ChurchLeaders. It does not need editing, so I have reproduced it in its entirety from http://churchleaders.com/outreach-missions/outreach-missions-articles/307132-ten-things-that-your-missionary-will-not-tell-you-joe-holman.html
Ten Things That Your Missionary Will Not Tell You
I am going out on a limb here, so I have to put some disclaimers up in advance.
Disclaimer number one…I LOVE BEING A MISSIONARY!!! This blog is
pointing out the bad aspects that you will not normally hear us say. It
does not mean that I am unhappy or unfulfilled.
Disclaimer number two…I am speaking of feelings and perceptions. I
know what the Bible says and can give a counterpoint to each of these.
For example, when I share how we feel about shortchanging my children, I
know that there are 100 positive things that people can point out to
me. I am sharing our heart, how we feel. I don’t need anyone to send me a
Bible lesson.
A friend of mine sent me a link to a blog with this title. It was
pretty good, and got me to thinking. So, no copying, but there is some
overlapping. Here is what your missionary will not tell you in their
newsletter or at your church mission conference. Here is a little of the
dark side of missions.
1. Sometimes, most of the time, living in another culture is hard.
Your missionary will talk about the joy of cross cultural missions
and going into all the world. What they won’t tell you is that it isn’t
fun most of the time. I was first exposed to this while on a short term
trip to Ghana. I was invited to a missionary going away party. A nurse
from Canada was returning to her home country after serving on the
mission field…get this…for 40 years. She had come to Ghana as a
20-year-old and was now going ‘home.’ During the conversation I asked
her how come she was saying that she was going, ‘home.’ If you have
lived for all of your adult life, slightly over 40 years, in Ghana and
only visited Canada every four years…then isn’t Ghana your home? She
told me that no matter how incorporated you are into the culture, no
matter how good your ministry, no matter how accepted that you are by
the people…you are not one of ‘them.’
I have now been in Bolivia for eight years. I am fluent and have a
great ministry here. I love what I do. But I am not at home. I am not a
Bolivian. I do not share their cultural history or family ties. When I
go to someone’s home to celebrate a birthday or wedding, I am the white
guy. I am the stranger. I am the foreigner. When they begin to laugh
about family memories or tell stories about relatives, I just smile at
the right time. I do not belong. When I go to ‘La Cancha,’ our market
place, children stare at me. I had a man visiting us from the States
tell me when we were there, “This is weird, we are the only white people
in sight.’
It gets old being a stranger. It is hard to not be in the group. It isn’t fun to always be noticed.
2. It is lonely and your friends and family from the States have forgotten you.
You won’t ever see this in a mission letter. We will tell stories of
fun things and great times. We will be upbeat and happy and post photos
of our family Christmas party.
You won’t have us posting videos of us crying or hear us complain
about missing friends, but we do; and the harsh thing is that they do
not miss us. When we were planing on going to the mission field, we
interviewed 10 different missionary families. We talked to people who
were single, married, married with kids and older missionaries. I asked
them a question: “What is the hardest part of being a missionary?” Their
answer, all 10 of them at separate occasions without any knowledge of
what others had said, replied, “Loneliness. After the first year people
totally forget about you. Even your best friend now will not continue
communicating with you.”
We decided to fight against this, and using Facebook and social
media, along with monthly communications and blogs, we knew that we
would stay in touch with our friends. What surprised us was how quickly
they did not want to stay in touch with us. Oh, we understand that their
lives are busy and we have moved. The truth is that understanding why
something happens does not mean that it doesn’t hurt. This goes along
with the first thing…not being part of the culture. We don’t feel like
we have a home, but we do feel like those from our previous home have
forgotten us.
3. We are normal people.
People think that missionaries are some super Christian. We are one
step up from being a pastor, and if you are a missionary pastor then
even the Apostle Paul envies your spirituality. You won’t be reading in a
missionary letter, “This week I did not spend hardly any time in the
Word, got mad at my wife, yelled at my children and was jealous after
seeing photos on Facebook.” We won’t report that, but it is the truth.
We are normal people seeking to honor Christ even though we are weak and
fragile vessels. We sin, repent, sin, repent, and then repeat. We are
like you.
4. We never have enough money but feel guilty asking for it.
Missionaries ask for money. We have to. We put it in terms like
“opportunity to support’ or ‘be part of the blessing’ or ‘looking for
monthly partners.’
What we want to say is, “We are dying here! Please help us! We need money!!”
We can’t do that. We have to appear above money. We need to make it
seem like money is something that we could probably use, but no big
deal. We are walking by faith and trusting God to provide…that is what
we need to display. You see, we don’t want it to seem like all we want
from you is your money. It isn’t, but in all honesty we do need money.
We need it for our family and for our ministry. We just hate asking for
it, and you hate hearing it. So, we keep quiet or couch our needs in
spiritual terms.
Another part of this is that we really struggle with being judgmental
over money. This just happened this week. I posted a need for our
ministry. We would like to purchase some additional dental equipment to
help with our evangelistic dental ministry. We need $700. At the same
time, a friend of ours in the States who sings occasionally at coffee
houses posted that he wanted to raise $4,000 to make a CD. We had $210
donated. He received $4,300. Really? I am not saying that he should not
do this nor that it was wrong for him to raise money for it, but really?
He got $4,300 to experiment with a CD and we could not raise $700 to
help the poor hear about Jesus through dental missions. Really?
5. We feel like our children are getting shortchanged by our choice.
You will see cool pictures in my newsletters of my children helping
do outreach, being in the jungle, washing orphans or having a monkey on
their shoulder. It all looks so cool. But the truth is, we feel like our
kids are suffering because of us. This is compounded by Facebook. Just
this week I have seen photos of kids playing football, music lessons,
dance, debate, camps, concerts, movies, lock-ins and taking college
classes at the community college while in high school. My kids do
nothing like that. I know that I can post all the cool things that my
kids do, but I simply cannot compete with the options that you have. I
find myself fighting jealousy, envying and coveting.
6. I took a great vacation but I cannot tell anyone.
One of the neat things about social media is how we can share our
lives with others. Pastors can go on cruises. Friends can go to some
wonderful island. Family can travel Europe. They can all brag about
their time and post photos on Facebook and social media sharing their
joy.
We can save up money. Live on a budget. Spend less than we make.
Then, after five years of frugality, take a much needed vacation. What
do we hear? “I should be a missionary, then I could take cool
vacations.” Or, “Is that where my donations go?”
Real example. My father passed away and after the initial burial and
settling of the estate, I found myself with $19,000 of unplanned income.
We prayed about it, and decided to tell the kids that grandpa wanted to
bless them. So, with MY INHERITANCE, while we were in the States on a
planned furlough, we rented a home outside of Disneyworld and after
vacationing there took the whole family on a cruise. We received several
snide comments and one donor quit giving to our ministry.
My wife and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this year. We
did something really fun to celebrate. Here is what we did. We told our
kids, “This is on the down-low. Do not say anything about it to your
friends and do not put anything on Facebook. We don’t want anyone
judging us.”
How stinky is that? You can share your joy, we feel like we have to
hide ours or people will think and/or say that we are somehow taking
advantage of our donors. We would love to post photos of our fun and
have you just say something nice…but we can’t.
7. We hate being judged by a standard that our judges do not follow.
Every missionary that reads this will scream “Amen!’ When we meet
with mission committees, churches, sending groups and donors, they
always ask us very specific questions. I have NO problem with that. What
drives me bonkers is when someone NOT doing what I AM DOING judges me
because they don’t think that I am doing enough of what they are not
doing.
The best example of this is when you meet with a missions committee
and they ask us about our evangelism. I share how, this year alone, we
have shared the gospel with over 2,000 people (true story) outside of
the church walls and have baptized 35 adults. The committee talks a
little and then says something like, “We are concerned about the follow
up of the converts and why so few have been baptized. We would also like
to hear more about your evangelistic endeavors. What do you do and how
do you do it?” Then, after sharing what you do and how you do it, they
have critical comments and corrections about methodology.
The problem is this. The church that this mission committee is a part
of hasn’t baptized 35 adults in the last 10 years and does not have a
single planned evangelistic event on their church calendar. I often want
to say, “We have baptized 35 adults and shared Christ with over 2,000
people…what have you done?” or, “That is a great idea on evangelism,
help me put some flesh on it. How did you guys implement this in your
church?’ or, “What do you do for follow up after your community
evangelistic event?” I can’t, but I really want to. It is honestly
difficult to listen to armchair quarterbacks who have never suited up
critique the game that I am participating in.
Another example of this is how people who are doing nothing to help
the poor criticize us for how we help the poor. They tell us what we
should do, what we should not do, how and when and to whom we should do
it. They tell us of the latest book that they have read and/or the
latest sermon that they heard. They do nothing themselves, but they know
exactly what we should do, and if we don’t do it their way, then the
threat of cutting support is dangling over our head.
If someone who is actually doing the ministry has advice, input or
corrections then it is infinitely easier to accept. It is when we are
told what to do by someone not doing anything that we have to constantly
check our hearts and put a guard on our lips.
8. Saying good-bye stinks…and it is not the same in the States.
This happens to missionaries our age. Our lives become one of a
constant good-bye. We are saying good-bye to fellow missionaries leaving
for the States. We have to say good-bye to our children. Denise and I
now have four kids living in the USA while we remain in Bolivia. When we
visit for furlough and see grandpa and grandma, we have to say good-bye
again to go back to the field. It stinks.
I was invited to speak at a mission conference in the States. The
church was a little over an hour from where my 24-year-old son lives, so
he drove down to see me. After I preached, I went to my mission table
in the hall and was chatting with people, passing out prayer cards,
shaking hands, etc. My son and his girlfriend came to say hi, and after a
few minutes my son hugged me and said, “Love you Dad, see you
in…what…two years or three?” I started crying and people graciously walked away from my table. I
realized that I was not going to see him again for at least two years.
This week, three days ago, my wife took my 19-year-old to start college
in the States. She called me from her hotel room weeping and said, “It
doesn’t get easier. I hate this! I hate this!”
Now here is where the second part of my point comes in to play.
Friends will say, with totally good intentions, “I understand, my son
left for college this week also.”
It is not the same thing! Your son/daughter can come home for the
holidays and on school breaks. They may be able to snag a $100 ticket
and bop in for a three-day weekend. At the most they are a quick flight
or short drive away. We live on another stinking continent. When we say
goodbye, it isn’t “See you on break.” It is “See you for a few days in
three years.” My son Jacob moved to the States and was living on his
own. He had not been there long and called us, and after talking I let
him know that he needed to go to the hospital because I thought that he
had appendicitis. At the hospital he let us know that it was, and they
were doing an emergency surgery. It took my wife three days to get there. She could not hop on a plane
and be there before he left the hospital. My dad was diagnosed with
terminal cancer. I knew that when the phone call came telling his
children to come say their good-byes, that I would not be able to be
there. I knew that I would miss his last words, not be able to minister
to my family and probably not be able to attend the funeral. It is not
the same thing as living in the States. It isn’t.
I would say that out of all the negatives to living on the mission field, this is the worse one. Saying good-bye.
9. Going to the States is hard.
You would think that returning home on furlough is wonderful. Every
missionary looks forward to it. It is the focus of the year that it is
going to happen.
That is partly true. However there are two things that your
missionary will not tell you. One you probably already know.
Logistically it is difficult. Most missionaries don’t have a place to
live, a car to drive or a plate to eat off of. All those things that we
need in everyday life, from pillow cases to car seats, we do not have.
We have to find short term solutions and we HATE borrowing stuff. We
also do not want to live in your basement. We want to be a family with
our own privacy and family time.
We also want to visit and spend time with our donors and churches,
but making that happen is so hard when we have donors in 12 different
states. It isn’t cost feasible to spend $1,200 to visit a church in
Arkansas that gives you $25/month. But you want to and think that you
should. The logistics make home assignment difficult.
The second thing that you probably do not know is that it is hard
emotionally. Why? Because we discover that we have changed and that you
no longer really want to be around us. I wrote about this one time. Let
me summarize that blog here. A man from the land of Blue became a
missionary to the people of Yellow. He struggled because he was a Blue
man among Yellow people. However, after a while he began to truly
understand their culture and become partly assimilated. One day he
looked in the mirror and saw that he was no longer Blue, he was now
Green. It made being in the land of Yellow easier. Then, after many
years, he returns to the land of Blue. To his dismay, no one there in
his homeland of Blue wants to be with him because, well because he was a
Green person in the land of Blue.
After being on the mission field you are a different person. People
perceive you differently. Even people who were friends are no longer
friends. They have grown without you. They have had different
experiences without you. You are no longer ‘one of them.’ When you
return, people want to shake your hand and say that they missed you, but
they don’t want to be with you. They are also worried that you are
going to ask them for money. We actually asked a person out for dinner, a
person who had been a friend before going to the mission field. Their
response was, ‘We don’t have any money to give you.” They REALLY said
that!
After being in my home church, where I had been a pastor, and was now
feeling ostracized, I shared my feelings with a staff member of the
church. He told me that he knew why people avoided us. I asked him what
it was. He said, “You intimidate people. Not by what you say, or what
you do, but by who you are. We look at you and your choice and we feel
guilty for being materialist. It is easier to avoid you than it is to
repent of our love of money.”
I don’t know if that is the reason or not, but missionaries feel
unwanted. We may think that you appreciate us, and we really are
grateful for your financial support, but we feel like you don’t want to
be our friend.
10. I constantly feel like I have to prove myself to you.
You, whether an individual or a church, give us money. You support
our ministry. Like it or not, I now feel like I have to justify to you
that giving us money is good. I have to prove myself and my ministry
over and over again. My newsletters are not to let you know what we are
doing…they are far more than that. They are items that I am entering
into evidence as proof that you are making a good investment. And…if a
period of time goes by where we don’t really have anything BIG to
report…we feel like a failure and live in the fear of you giving your
money to someone who deserves it.
Often we don’t feel like we are on the same team as you. We feel like
you are our boss and it is time for the annual performance
evaluation…and this year someone has to be let go. We are tempted to pad
our resume and make it look better than it is. Instead of saying that
we go to church, we say, “We are actively engaged in a local
congregation.” We don’t say that we buy our fruit from the same seller
every week, no, “we are building intentional relationships with those in
the marketplace.” We may lead a Bible study, but we call it, “engaging
in a mentoring relationship with young married couples.” Look at what I
just told you. I buy fruit each week, go to church and lead a Bible
study. That does not sound worth supporting does it? I mean, you do
that. But if I am building intentional relationships while mentoring
young married couples as I am actively engaged in a local
congregation…then maybe you will think better of me.
So, we say things that make us sound better, holier, busier than we
are. We can’t say that we are living in the culture and doing what we
can to promote Christ, but it is difficult and we really don’t have much
fruit to show you this year. That is because of numbers 4 and 7 above.
We need money and you are judging our worth…and your evaluation will
determine our money. This may not be true, but it is how we feel. We
feel like we have to constantly show you that giving to our ministry is a
great idea and you should keep it up. It produces a lot of pressure and
emotional stress.
So, there you have it. Ten things that your missionary will not tell
you. They may not be pretty, but maybe hearing them can help you relate
better to your missionary.
This article originally appeared here.
Image by unknown artist licenced under CC BY-NC-ND